Да, кто не в курсе - я уже около полугода работаю над фиком по Грави "Knockin' on The Closed Doors" (фик на английском). Уже написаны первые три главы, остальные я недавно наконец-то придумал. =)
здесь лежат первые две
а здесь третья---------------------------------------------------------------------
Preword: Sorry for taking so long to post this chap.
And I have some news: good and bad. During this summer I finally finished working on the plot of the series – this is the good. But the school year has started and since it’s my last school year I will be VERY busy – so I don’t know how much it will take me to complete this fic. I know, this is bad – but I’ll try my best. So, enjoy!
---------------------------------------------------------------------Author: Shindo (Uesugi) Tsubasa
Beta: Dylan
Title: Knocking on The Closed Doors
Disclaimer: Standard applies
Status: In progress
Genre: Angst
Warnings: Only one four lettered word
A/N:
//song lyrics//
/POV switching/
_emphasis_
Based on the song by Three Doors Down “Changes”
While Tohma POV (Especially after having finally watched the OVA) I reconsidered the character... And made him sorrowful too, revealing his interior anguish (Though I still hate the personage and don’t believe that the bastard can have any feelings at all. >~<. Sorry if he or Mika may seem OOC. I tried my best, thoroughly creating the style for Tohma's POV... If it still sucks, just don’t flame me, but explain in which way I went wrong. I guess I will need the knowledge for my next chapters because there may be more Tohma POV chapters.
P.S. All the Japanese is eliminated from this fic (except for the ‘baka’ word ^^).
Enjoy! *^_^*~Nya.
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~ ~ ~ * * * ~ ~ ~
Knocking on The Closed Doors
Chapter 3: Changes
~ ~ ~ * * * ~ ~ ~
(POVs switching)
Knocking on The Closed Doors
Chapter 3: Changes
~ ~ ~ * * * ~ ~ ~
(POVs switching)
/Tohma's POV/
Plain black lines of text printed on perfectly white sheets of paper, continuously informing me about one more proposition-you-cannot-turn-down, stop their persistent intrigues, interrupted by my cell phone’s gentle intervention. Without allowing myself a sigh of regret, I stuff the document through the shredder, and answer my phone, not bothering to check the identity of the person calling.
“Hello, Seguchi speaking.” I enunciate carefully as usual, no matter to whom I speak. I never draw any distinctions between people, as long as they are not trying to abuse my precious brother-in-law.
“I’ve got a problem.”
There is no way I can fail to recognize the deep, slightly hoarse, voice, which is currently asking me for help. Unfortunately, I am seldom blessed by his calls. In fact, usually only in a case of emergency do I hear from him at all. I suppose that this current situation is no exception.
To my profound regret.
“What has happened, Eiri-san?” I ask, wondering what could possibly be happening this time right underneath my nose. One more document, of no interest, joins the last in the shredder.
Ah, what a tiring life.
“The brat vanished.” He responds reluctantly.
I am keenly aware of the fact that my brother-in-law hates the idea of admitting his actual feelings for Shindou-san... And I am very disappointed that there are some.
My attempts to separate the couple failed, and, to my mind, my possibly unprofessional actions were not the reason of any of those failures. Well, I always indicate the time for me to withdraw perfectly clearly.
Right now, Eiri-san does care about Shindou-san and it hurts me very much. Still, Eiri-san is the most important part of my life, and I will do anything for him, disregarding my own opinions.
“What has happened?” I repeat my question, insisting on receiving details. I hear his irritated sigh and feel guilty for causing him more stress.
However, I do need details if I am to do anything. I hope they, at least, will please me.
“We had a fight,” He mumbles into my ear after a long pause.
I smile; this certainly seems to be a change. One little change for the better. Fighting is not new to this celebrity couple, yet this is the first time that Eiri-san has ever contacted me for help. I am sure that this absurd relationship will end soon and Eiri-san will finally realize his true wishes and affections.
Somehow, I do not have any doubt of my presence in his heart.
I guess that my brother-in-law can hear my smile, as I can hear him calling me names almost inaudibly. Yes, I realize that Eiri-san has always rejected me, especially after Shindou-san’s rapid insertion into his life.
It is not going to last forever though.
“Should I assume that you kicked Shindou-san out again?” My tone does not quaver a bit. I have never had any complaints about my composure.
“Whatever,” He replies sulkily. “Just find him.” He requests. His voice sounds tired, and little worried.
“What would you like me to do? Do you have any ideas or clues as to where he could be?” I list several options mentally, yet if Eiri-san has any ideas of his own, my search can be much faster and certainly more effective.
Much as I hate the fact, he has become attached to Shindou-san and knows his ways.
I can hear his vain attempts to slow down his frustrated breathing. Please, accept mercifully my sincerest apologies for never changing my style of speaking for you, Eiri-san. Indeed, I do not have any other, though I understand you displeasure with the current.
“He may be in some hotel.” He grudgingly offers. “Can you check?”
He is getting more and more anxious, I can tell. I feel a bit dejected with witnessing him cherishing kind feelings toward Bad Luck’s Singer. I do not have an opportunity of choice though.
“Do not worry, Eiri-san.” I tell him evenly. “I will call you back with any news I gather as soon as possible.” I inform the busy tone of the receiver, as Eiri-san has already hung up. He may think that he behaves rudely because he does not care, but I know my brother-in-law well enough to state that his harshness is the first sign of his deep affection.
I hope someday he will realize his true affections. I hope that this someday is not too far off.
“What’s up, Tohma?” A mellow timbre voice filters into my ears.
“Nothing to worry about, Mika-san.” I close my eyes and assure my wife that her little brother is quite okay. My lips curve up a bit, into what I hope is a small pleasant smile, as I feel her soft, warm hand on my shoulder.
“Really, Tohma.” She sighs, trying to sound irritated, but succeeding only in being tender and caring. I admit that I do love my wife very much. But the emotion I feel for her is very different than the one I feel for Eiri-san. Mika-san is cognizant about it, and I hope that her heart is not truly hurt by my split feelings. “I thought that I was going to help you with all of this paperwork, but now... I wonder,” She adds, running her other hand through her beautiful, long hair.
“What do you mean?” I ask curiously, opening my eyes and reaching for the phone to dial up the necessary number.
“Tohma... What are you up to?” My second shoulder is also covered by Mika-san’s hand, now.
“I plan to find Shindou-san, and tell Eiri-san the address.” I reply, simply.
She does not seem surprised.
“Oh, well... Are you okay with this?” Her fingers start massaging my tired muscles. I mutely thank my perceptive wife.
The question makes me glance into the depth of my well-secured soul, shut up in the innermost recesses of my heart.
I find out that I am totally not okay with this.
This does not matter, though. I shut my soul up again, to hide it from anyone’s prying eyes (mine included), and assume that my feelings are wrong. I am quite sure about my actions and I do know what I have to do. Frankly, my soul is nothing more that a product of the unconscious’s actions. Why should it make any difference then?
The only and most important thing in my life is Eiri-san’s happiness and I am ready to do anything towards that purpose. Doesn’t the end justify the means? I ask myself.
I smile at my wife.
“I am okay. Thank you, Mika-san.” I return my attention towards my phone, and dial. While I am arranging the information retrieval for Eiri-san, gentle fingers finish their work and leave. I hang up and let myself gaze inquiringly up at my wife.
“So, you are sure. Aren’t you?” She repeats her recent question. Somehow, her tone seems suspicious.
“Yes.” I look straight into her eyes. Her intentions are quite clear, and I do not blame her for them. Isn’t it natural for a person to care for the one she loves? I guess I know the answer.
“Do you need my help?” She flicks a quick glance at my formidable stack of papers.
I allow my lips to curl slightly upward and shake my head.
“Buzz me whenever you do.” She replies, leaving and waving her goodbyes.
“Thank you, Mika-san.” My wife does not hear it, yet it is okay. I suppose that she is quite conscious of my everlasting gratitude.
My cell informs me there is someone willing to talk to me. I assume that Shindou-san’s whereabouts have already been discovered and that my colleague wishes to let me know about it, as I requested. A pen ready in my hand, I pick up the receiver and find out that I was correct.
Having written down everything necessary for Eiri-san to get to his little friend, I hang up, expressing my kindliest thanks.
My office is still and quiet now. I stand up and look out of the window. No one has ever seen me in such a mood, and no one ever will. Even being alone seldom is a sufficient excuse for letting my deep, dark, secret emotions sneak out from their shelter and rise to the surface.
I think Mika-san’s query over once more. I only become more firmly convinced that I am absolutely not okay with this situation. I finally acknowledge to myself that I do not want to inform Eiri-san of Shindou-san’s whereabouts.
My unconscious starts to rule my actions and I do not appreciate it. I interlace my fingers and turn to the table. There lies the scrap of paper with the dreaded address printed in my neat sсriрt. My cell waits beside it. I quickly dial up Eiri-san and fulfill my promise.
He hangs up without bidding a goodbye. Am I offended?
My conscious responds negatively. My unconscious screams positively.
I drop the phone and suddenly feel myself freezing in this empty room.
//I’m not supposed to be scared of anything, but I don’t know where I am
I wish that I could move but I’m exhausted and nobody understands (how I feel)
I’m trying hard to breathe now but there’s no air in my lungs
There’s no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb.
I try to hold this under control
They can’t help me ‘cause no one knows
Now I’m going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I’m going through changes, changes//
/Shuichi’s POV/
A gasp.
Someone’s gasp enters my very thick head
Is it the first sign of Hell? I hope it is.
I don’t want to return to this life anymore. My mind has stopped and it strives to leave for somewhere. Doesn’t even matter where - just go hence.
A touch.
A warm shaking touch lies on my chapped skin.
Is it the second sign of Hell? A strange one then.
“Shuichi...”
Is it the third? I guess it’s the devil, willing to register my arrival and set the list of punishments that I deserve.
“Oh my God, Shuichi...”
God? Is it not Hell?
I release my pupils to have a look at my surroundings.
Fair hair. Amber eyes. Handsome face. High up. Attractive. Yuki Eiri.
So I was right. It IS Hell. My personal everlasting Hell. And the Devil stands straight in front of my lost soul.
“How are you... Shuichi?” His voice quavers. He kneels beside me, examining my badly poisoned, with alcohol and nicotine, body. I can’t even move to push him away.
Mostly, because I don’t really want to.
I suddenly find myself embraced tightly. Thin fingers run through my dimmed hair. Anxious breath tickles my neck. My mind clears up, somehow.
“Let’s go, Shu. Let’s go home...” He says, his voice quivering awfully.
Is he scared? Is he worried? Does he care?
I don’t.
These are _his_ feelings and emotions, and they are left on the other side of the doors I’ve closed forever and have no intentions of opening again.
This is when my will returns to me and I push him away, causing him to blink in shock.
“No.” I sound emotionless, but I don’t dare look unto his eyes. Just a quick glance would bring me infinite happiness, yet I refuse it. I don’t want to depend on this man anymore.
“Why?”
I guess that strange mist, covering the amber of his eyes, resembles the liquid of salt and grief. But I can’t see it distinctly because of my own about-to-be-shed tears, gathering around the corners of my eyes. Still, they have to wait until afterwards. Not with him watching.
Never again.
“Because from now on, I do only what _I_ order myself to do. Not what others push me into.” My voice is gruff and discords.
“You have never taken dictations...” His voice is mellow... and kind. “That’s why I have always loved you.”
What. Da. Fuck.
Has he just said it? Has he just said the words I longed for all this time? Has he..?
Oh, I guess I am too carried away by these meaningless air-rending. He may say various things, but I have lived with him long enough to know that his words are not what you can believe too easily. So I’m not going to give in.
“I _am_ taking dictations, so you don’t have any reasons now.” I pretend to be greatly interested in counting the number of empty cans and packs around me, for I don’t want to let my eyes drift over to his figure standing opposite of me. I have said that I do only what I want to, but do I really? I only take dictations from my mind, which never consults with my soul.
“I do.” He replies plainly, looking at me with the soft eyes I always melt under the gaze of. I _used_ to melt under. However, I don’t see him.
My doors allow one little spot of truth escape and it lies on my lips before I can prevent the result.
“Name them, then.” My voice, unsure, produces a little tremor, accompanied with some sarcastic and distrustful notes, and I feel myself paralyzed.
I just stare blankly into space, unsure of my desires.
/Yuki’s POV/
Name them? What the hell does he want? Especially with that exprеssion of his...
I stare at the brat. He looks like a zombie, recently arisen from his eternal rest. As I can assume form his scattered belongings, he has spent all this time smoking and drinking terribly....
I wonder why he is still alive after such a huge dose of poison he is surely unused to.
I felt scared, when I first entered the room. I thanked all the gods and Buddha because of the little miracle consisting of Shuichi forgetting to close the door.
My next impulse was to damn all those gods and Buddha for allowing Shuichi to put himself in this state.
And then I cursed myself for being the cause of this.
On the edge of bursting into severe tears, I dashed to my little lover, desperately wanting to hug him and never let go. Words escaped my lips quite easily. I even declared my love for him.... But he didn’t seem to believe me.
He rejected me. Just like...
Just like....
“So, you want me to name them?” I inquire icily. No more do I try to be kind. He doesn't answer. “What if _I_ don’t want to?”
“Doesn't change anything.” He responds promptly. “In fact.” He replies, almost mimicking my tone and intonation.
Wanna play the “cold bastard” game, little pest? I don’t see any possibilities of you winning this time.
“You are right, brat.” A tiny part of my mind squeaks in a vain attempt of stopping me, yet I’m already too carried away. “Still, there’s something I’d like to name. The reason why I’m here right now.” I lick my lips, feeling my body fume and fever in resentment. My hand pulls of several wads of cash and throws them on the floor next to Shuichi. “Here. I guess it’s enough for your services, so we are even now.” My mouth adds as my body turns away.
“I don’t need you money.” He claims, his voice sounding insulted.
“Oh really? Then name the reason why _you_ stayed with me for so long.” I leave, without glancing back at him once. My hand automatically closes the door behind me and suddenly I smile bitterly.
“That's right, I guess. I have to close the door... The brat always forgets to.”
I go downstairs quickly, not wishing to stay in this cheap, dirty hotel a second more. My loyal car waits for me, striving to speed and rush about this stupid city.
However, when I sit behind the wheel, I feel myself nearly collapse inside as I suddenly realize what has happened. And then I try to foresee the possible outcomes.
When I foresee nothingness, I feel something cold trickle down my cheeks.
//Shuichi’s POV/
//I’m feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone
I’ve got something to say, but now I’ve got nowhere to turn
It feels like I've been buried underneath the weight of the world
I’m running, shaking
Bound and breaking
I hope to make it through all these changes
Now I’m going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, I hate this
But I’m going through changes, changes//
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A/N I didn’t expect things to turn out this way. I’m _greatly_ depressed, aggravated, and out of words about what Yuki has done...
So, no actual afterward author’s notes (as I am too shocked to say anything), only the usual, yet not less sincere phrases:
Constructive criticism preferable. Flames acceptable. Any feedback welcome. Just let me know that someone is actually reading and help me to improve!
Soredewa, mata!
Tsubasa.