Author: Zebra F.
Title: Am I Wrong Again?
Disclaimer: standard applies
Status: There may be two more chapters… still at issue.
Genre: Angst
Rate: maybe, PG / PG-13 – for death mentioning and, somewhat, suicide insinuation.
Warnings: Deathfic (my most hated type, actually), hm… I guess, I even avoided using language hear. No lemon (is it really a warning?).
Apologies: English is my second language. Japanese is my third one. Neither is native. Sorry for poor grammar and word choice.
A/N: My first ever one-shot, first ever fic originally in English, first ever Gravi fic… My fourth angst, actually, for all of my little life.
There is a little prehistory of the fic; may be skipped. I got my keyboard spilled with coffee (uh, that was a tragedy) and thus, crawled out of my room to have supper in the kitchen. There I heard one of now-a-days Russian pop songs (in fact, I hate the genre for its senseless texts), and that was one of the rare type I like. After hearing two my favorite lines (rhythm and even rhyme saved): “And the winner will be right, While the loser will just live”, my over-angsted head produced a sudden idea. The supper was irretrievably forgotten, as you can guess. So, here is the fastest story I’ve ever written (less than an hour, in foreign language, right there in the kitchen)… I hope you will be able to enjoy it… at least, bear it to the end. *^__^* ~nya.
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Am I Wrong Again?
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(entirely Yuki POV)
You have won, Shu-chan, you have won...
During all those years, you were fighting with me... or was it me fighting with you? It makes no difference though, not any more...
We were fighting, and you have won, Shu, goddamn it, but you have won this time. You always kept winning, though you only seemed to keep whining all the time, yet deep inside both of us knew for sure: you were the absolute winner, Shuichi...
And I was the baka loser, I was the stupid, not you, Shu, hell not you…
It doesn’t matter though, no more. I’m here, sitting weakly on the sticky earth and mumbling the words, I should have told much earlier, and comprehending the things, I should admit so much earlier, so much…
Earlier enough to save you and to tell you I understand now…
Yet you no more care, Shuichi… no more… never more… You will ever never care about me again. God, I feel so feeble, so unprotected now…
Shuichi, I’ve lost. I’ve lost totally, absolutely, completely, without any slightest chance of winning… I stay here, on this goddamned earth; I lie on this graveyard soil, covering my so-loved-by-fans face and body with dirt…
I’m dirty, Shuichi, hell, I’m so dirty…
I’m covered with your blood, Shu, I’m all in your blood, and this clotting rufous liquid merges with another, not a bit less painful to be felt on my aching skin…
Sensei… Shuichi… I keep killing the people I love the most…
I keep losing to myself.
And though you are no more opposing me now, I hell do keep losing to you again and again…
You convinced me I could feel. I claimed I couldn’t.
You giggled while identifying my well-hidden yet present love for you. I snapped there was none.
You frowned and burst in tears, letting me know I could be hurt by your cheerless image. I slammed the doors to get rid of that irritating feeling of guiltiness, devouring my guts, and stated I didn’t feel anything like that.
You caressed my body tenderly, whispering silently that I still could care. I went being rough, proving you were wrong.
But you weren’t…
You were right after all.
You were always right, my little, little baka koi… my genki koi… my ichiban kawaikute sukina koi…
My little baka…
You left me, walking out of my… no, our apartment, sobbing and running into the mightiest downpour I’ve ever witnessed. You left me, and your frail, almost translucent image, showing up alarmingly in my mind all of a sudden, looked at me with dejected amethyst eyes, saying your goodbye… I rushed out, somehow my legs knew, where to lead my stubborn stupid bastardish head, which shouted that was not your last one…
Your limp body on the wet and slippery road, surrounded by a plenty of shocked bystanders, showed me I was so wrong again…
And hell I was.
I dashed to you, suddenly suffocating. I didn’t mind all those honking cars, for they were the totally unnecessary and unwelcome parts of my shattering world.
You were still alive, when I reached my shaking, somehow stiff at once hand to touch your slim bended body and felt that my voice was lost somewhere inside my throat, blocked with a painful lump. You were breathing slightly, but I felt nothing like relief, but only my limbs deadening. I cupped your pale cheek (how untypical for you, Shu-chan...), when you brushed your surprisingly light and cold bloodstained hand over mine. Your parched lips moved slightly, forming a hardly audible “Yuki…”
“Don’t move, Shuichi,” I gasped, trying to remember all I had ever known about first aid and stuff like that.
Your profusely bleeding body persuaded me there was obviously no need for that, yet I refused to believe you once again.
And once again, I was wrong.
“Aishiteru…” you murmured, almost losing all of your not so much left strength. “Zutto… aishiteru…” you managed to add. “Don’t cry…” your voice quavered and your last breath escaped your lips in the form of mute “Yu…” then, death softly erased it from your unusually quite face, drawing a peaceful smile instead.
“I’m not crying, you, baka gaki!” I exclaimed… and I knew I was lying. I just wanted you to blink, to pout, to tell me I was wrong, as indeed I was…
And I lost again.
“I love you, Shuichi… I love you, I love you, I love you, iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou…” I muttered until I collapsed unconscious, holding you close to me, trying to heat your icy cold body up with mine, trying to breathe life into you with those three damned words, which I never thought to be that important…
And I was always wrong.
And I am still wrong, Shuichi. I can’t stop my tears, though there shouldn’t be any left, you know, after all these years of infinite grief, corroding my soul…
Seguchi duplicated the keys and intruded yesterday, telling it was already tenth your death anniversary and that it was long enough for me to stop mourning… I just threw him out, Shu, for I can no more stand the man, who pretended to be my best friend all the time, being, in fact, my worst enemy, always trying his best to separate us… even now, when we are already too far from each other to reunite ever…
Ten years, huh? May be; I have never counted days, for all this time seemed to be a one endless night, the night without you, and I refused to believe that dawn didn’t even consider ever breaking and annihilating the darkness…
Yet your tranquil smile from the picture engraved on your headstone softly reminded me I was wrong…
And I lost, Shuichi.
I lost everything; I lost in everything…
And you’ve won, Shu.
You are there, in your beatific heaven, dressed in your foolish bright clothes, brushing your wild pink hair with your special cute serious look on your angelic face and singing celestial songs with the best voice I’ve ever heard…
I am here, kneeling on front of you, pleading miserably for… oh no, not for forgiveness. I don’t possess any right for such an onegai, do I? But I long for your amethyst glance, for a flash of bubble-gum pink in the corner of my eye, for a genki koe, may it even not be addressed to me… I don’t beg for your love; bless me with your life at least…
Where were you cursed so that your death was necessary? Rather the life has to disappear…
Is mine.
My fingers contacted the frightening indifferent coldness of the gun, waiting patiently in its holster.
I am always wrong, Shuichi.
Scold me, pout at me, convince me, chide me, hit me… tell me…
Am I wrong again, Shu?
Or… am I right at last?
Tell me how baka I am… tell me…
Let me lose one more time, Shu…
At least once…
Shuichi…
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OK, I know it sucks. It is not edited (for I have no beta… T_T) and… generally, zero-talented. Flame me, tear me apart, tell me how baka I am…
Still, in spite of my total incapability, I’m thinking about updating one more chapter (Shuichi POV) and, maybe, even an epilogue (hee, Secret POV)… though, if only you want me to. ^_^
Constructive criticism is preferable. Flames are acceptable.
Soredewa, mata!
Zi-chan.
P.S. Japanese Glossary (in order of appearance):
baka – stupid, fool; generally, not a very offensive words, used mostly by kids… well, doesn’t apply to Gravi.
koi – love (actually, also a carp, but never mind ^_^)
genki – energetic, healthy, feeling OK
“ichiban kawaikute sukina” = “the cutest and the most beloved”
aishiteru – I love you / I will love you
zutto – always, forever, all the time
gaki – literally, a little imp (applies to kids)
onegai – favor
koe – voice
soredewa, mata – good-bye, so long, see you next time etc.
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31.01.2006 в 02:18И вдруг: приходит мне мой первый ревью и я... просто на седьмом небе от невыразимого счастья, скачу по квартире не хуже Шуичи, которому Юки неожиданно признался в любви... или Рюичи, который победил Кумагоро... или Тома, которого поцеловал Юки... ня, в общем, думаю, вы меня поняли...
А вот и ревьюшик:
michelle
wow it was sad for me but it was good poor yuki poor shuichi (tear)..like i said tho it was good
Няяяяяя... Здоровё... =)